Glory In The Flower

What though the radiance which was once so bright.

Be now for ever taken from my sight,

Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower,

We will grieve not, 

Rather find strength in what remains behind



~William Wordsworth

Kekuatan

Kuat yang aku maksudkan bukanlah kekuatan fizikal semata. 

Sebelum aku tulis entri ini, baru aku perasan yang lately aku banyak tulis entri yang agak beremosi (la sangat) kerana aku lately banyak memerhati situasi yang beremosi.

Being strong. Apabila kita diduga dengan ujian dunia, nasihat cliche orang sekeliling ialah “be strong”. Okay, kena kuat ni. Ada yang siap cakap “I know you are strong for this. So I know you can get through it.” or “you kuat. I know that”

Okay, ayat kedua tu yang aku paling tak berkenan. How can you be so sure that the person is ‘that strong’ and he/she can handle it? Adakah sebab rekod kekuatannya yang dapat mengharungi dugaan-dugaan lepas? Biasanya orang yang cakap begini adalah orang yang kenal rapat dengan kita. Disebabkan mereka kenal rapat lah, maka mereka juga kenal rapat ‘kekuatan kita’. So, ayat sebegitu sangat cliche dalam kalangan orang yang rapat dengan orang yang tengah diuji. 

Kadang-kadang aku tertanya adakah kekuatan kita itu adalah kekuatan sebenar atau kekuatan yang dipaksa? Kekuatan yang dipaksa ini terjadi apabila orang sekeliling claim they know how strong you are and the fact that you HAVE to be strong, sometimes it’s not for yourself, but for others. Apa akan jadi kalau kekuatan yang dipaksa itu jatuh? Kerana kita hanya fikir kekuatan itu akan meningkat jika kita keep telling ourself to be strong. But what if it fails? I can only imagine all the bad things or even worst happen. Just like what I saw in documentaries about depression. 

Ada pepatah mengatakan “you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice”. I agreed with that. Kerana prinsip itu yang aku pegang sampai mencipta banyak rekod kekuatan dalam menghadapi ujian. 

But..

At one point, nasihat “being strong” adalah nasihat yang orang yang diduga tak ingin dengar. Bukan kerana tak nak dengar nasihat orang. Tapi nasihat sebegitu membuat orang tersebut buat monolog dalaman berbunyi “kau tau ke apa aku lalui? Kau tau ke apa aku rasa? Yang paling penting, kau pernah lalui ke apa yang aku lalui? Jika tak, stop telling me to be strong because you have no idea how hard it is to be strong when the world hits me like this”

Berat mata yang memandang, berat lagi bahu yang memikul. Perhaps, when someone go through trials, the best thing we can do is just to be there when needed. Only when needed. Because I always believe time and space can heal. 

I have time but I don’t have space. 

Study Hard & Study Smart.

For those who didn’t know, I am giving tuition class for extra income. Been doing that since my second year of teaching. So to date, I’ve been giving tuition class for 6 years. This year I am working in 2 tuition centre due to economic issues. I am affected too. No, I tak kaya. Disebabkan banyak tanggungjawab (though I’m not married), I have to work harder. I am fine with that because teaching is my passion. 

Okay, aku bukan nak promo kelas tuition. Aku nak share pasal STUDY SMART. As a student yang pernah dapat markah 2/100 dalam subjek Geografi waktu tingkatan 2, I am not born as a smart student. And I couldn’t count on merely ‘study hard’ sebab aku cepat bosan and distracted. So I’m a person of study smart. 

Tadi waktu kelas tusyen, aku share pengalaman aku sewaktu zaman sekolah menengah. Form 1 until form 3, aku bukan pelajar kelas pertama. Hanya bila masuk form 4, aku masuk kelas pertama. Fikir masuk kelas pertama, aku jadi nerdy. Tak. Aku tambah gila. I play hard with my friends but thankfully, I have good friends yang study smart. Aku kongsi kepentingan berkongsi ilmu. Bukan semua pelajar bijak akan pandai mengajar dan sudi berkongsi ilmu everytime we need them. Syukur, kengkawan aku sangat generous dalam bab kongsi ilmu. 

I remembered waktu form 5, cara aku, Nadia dan Linda ulang kaji bagi subjek kimia. What we did? Each of us akan buat buku kerja yang kami pilih masing-masing dan kami akan kongsi ilmu dengan bertanyakan soalan dalam buku kami terhadap sesama. Nadia akan soal aku dan Linda berkenaan soalan dalam buku nya and same thing goes to us. Ini membolehkan kami ulang kaji 3 buah buku and so on. Waktu rehat kami, kami duduk makan sambil soal sesama. Terus rasa diri hebat la kalau tanya kawan soalan yang susah dan kawan tidak dapat jawab. Haha. Tiada rasa cemburu. Cuma rasa ingin tahu dan belajar. Dan kengkawan aku tidak pernah say “no” or even “aku sibuk sekarang” and refuse to help me. So it makes me ringan tulang untuk membantu kawan yang lain walau kerja aku sendiri tidak siap. 

Aku pernah menolong kawan sampai markah nya lebih tinggi daripada aku. Agak sedih di situ. Tetapi kesedihan aku hilang apabila kawan aku itu say thanks to me for teaching her. That’s a priceless feeling. I helped someone. I should be happy. I was and still am. 

I told my students when you’re helping your friends, you’re actually doing yourself a favor. You’re doing revision. Because in order to answer them, you need to master the knowledge. So if you don’t, you will read and read until you master it then you teach them. So I don’t see why helping others gives ourselves trouble and no time to study. 

Nilai sebegini memang aku tekankan dalam kalangan pelajar aku. I said “there’s no point of being smart if you can’t help by teaching your friends. If you’re smart, then teach them. If you can’t teach, then you’re not smart enough” 

So, yes, I teach because I master it. 

The Two Finally Meet

I knew him (Saziuandi Kalman also known as Sazi) through Friendster back on 2007. He posted a funny picture of him with his niece. I thought it was a cute gesture because everyone tried so hard to look good on their Friendster profile. But not him. From then on, we’ve been friends. From Friendster to MSN then to Facebook then Skype (because I deactivated all my social accounts). It was a long-distance friendship since 2007. We always wished to meet up when we finish our study. But life brought us to our own path. We couldn’t find the chance to meet up. So on February last year, I make a sudden trip to Brunei. Called him up.

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We finally meet. After knowing each other for 9 years. Catching up updates about each other. I had to admit, we’ve grown up. Though I wished to meet him personally one day, but I never thought I’ll do it, without planning. The meeting was fun and beautiful. I remember he used to tell me this when I told him that everyone has their own dark past or even shits. He told me this.

“Those who matter, won’t care. And those who care, won’t matter.”

He farts in front of me. It doesn’t matter.

The Ugly Truth

It’s been more than a year since my last post. I was thinking to post up few good things that has been going on since I was missing for a while. But hey, that’s not the whole truth about what’s going on.

So yes, I’ll be writing about truth.. and honesty.

Everyone expect everyone to be honest, to tell the truth. In the family, with friends and of course in a relationship. But how many people can accept the truth and the honesty ? Especially when the TRUTH IS UGLY

I was once hold on a principle to always be honest. Maybe because I’m Sagittarius and we are well known of being honest. I think. So, I always admit the truth / mistakes to those whom I’ve wrong to. Even when the person wished I wouldn’t told them. But I couldn’t hold on the lies. So I told. And by always believing that if the intention is good, good things will come back together even after everything fall apart. And so it did.

However, the incident recently make me realized honesty is not everything. I realized not everyone wants to hear the truth. EVERYONE WANTS TO HEAR WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR. And that’s when lies come in.

I may have changed. But I will never be reduced by the changes. So to those who read this, before you ask for the truth and for a person to be honest. Ask your heart, ask deep inside your heart, ARE YOU READY FOR THE TRUTH? CAN YOU ACCEPT THE TRUTH? THE WHOLE TRUTH? CAN YOU STILL LOVE THE PERSON UNCONDITIONALLY AND MORE THAN BEFORE WITHOUT A DOUBT AFTER KNOWING THE WHOLE TRUTH? WILL YOU ACCEPT THE PERSON HONESTY?

If you do, listen to the truth.

Because if you don’t, the person has to lie again. Not to cheat but the person knows you won’t be able to handle the truth. And so not to make you worst, the person has say things that you want the hear. Not the things that you need to listen. And the lies will come in over and over again until you believe the lies as the whole truth.

Not writing this to defend those who choose to lie. There is no excuses to forgive the lies. But perhaps in few condition, lie is all they can do to save the situation. If we choose to accept the truth and still love them more than before. I believe everyone will be honest to everyone. Not matter how ugly is the truth.